


Five Times Someone (Other Than Thor) Tried to Pick up Mjolnir and The One Time Someone Succeeded

by Aria_Lerendeair



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe
Genre: Because I should never stay up late on Wiki looking up obscure avengers facts, Because we know they all tried this at some point, Crack, Fun, Hilarity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-11
Updated: 2012-07-18
Packaged: 2017-11-09 15:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/457269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/pseuds/Aria_Lerendeair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six short drabbles that describe times that people other than Thor tried to pick up his hammer, and what resulted.  Hilarity and self-reflection ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tony Stark

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. Okay. I normally don't write crack. Ever. Or something this introspective. But when I started thinking about the topic (who else could pick up Thor's hammer) this kinda....was the brainchild and result of that. And because I am thorough, I will even cite Wiki in the last chapter to show I did some modicum of research into who actually could. 
> 
> Right. On with it!

Tony

 

 

He was curious.  That was all.  He knew he wasn’t worthy.  Really, he wanted to study it, and to do that, he needed to move it from the gym where Thor had left it to his lab.  What was it made of?  Could he duplicate it?  Could someone else duplicate it?  There were a thousand questions Tony wanted to answer about the hammer.  He just had to get it from the gym, down two floors to his lab and start running tests.  

  


He glanced around.  No one was here.  No one would see if he couldn’t pick it up.  And he wouldn’t be able to.  He knew it.  There was no way he was ‘worthy’ or whatever he needed to be to pick up the damn hammer.  He stroked his fingers along the leather bound handle and smiled. Yet.  It was hard to not want to be worthy.  He knew he wasn’t.  Never would be.  

  


But...

  


His fingers tightened around the grip and Tony gave a half-hearted tug.  The hammer didn’t budge.  He knew it wouldn’t.  He wasn’t worthy.  By a long shot.  Tony let the handle go and frowned down at it.  Fuck, now he needed to go find Thor and try to explain the tests he wanted to run on the hammer because the blonde was the only one who could pick the damn thing up.  

  


On this planet anyways.  

 


	2. Clint Barton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint's turn with the hammer is a little different....

Clint

It was not his fault that he had gotten shot.  Twice.  Once in the leg and once in the arm.  Not his fault.  He had been busy jumping off a building.  There was no way he could have dodged stray bullets at the same time.  

“Maybe if you had told us you planned on jumping off a building-”

“Where’s the fun in that sir?”  Clint shot back, grinning.  He watched Phil’s eyes get that pinched look they got when he was being stubborn and forced down the painful curling in his stomach that had nothing to do with either of his wounds.  

Phil opened his mouth to respond and thought better of it.  “You’re restricted to medical for the rest of the week.  No shooting range until the doctors give the okay, so you had better not piss them off-”  

“There’s no way you can keep me here for a week!”  Clint shouted, sitting up too quickly and feeling the stitches in his thigh pull.  His vision swam for a moment.  Oh yeah.  Blood loss.  Never a fun thing.  

“I can and will Barton, don’t tempt me.”  Phil growled back, glaring at the stubborn blonde.  He was going to kill himself at this rate.  

Clint frowned and crossed one arm over his chest.  The other hurt too much to move.  It did not have the effect he was going for based on the fact that Phil refused to respond.  “I’ll just escape then.” 

He felt a headache coming on.  Only Clint could give him a headache like this.  “Don’t make me tie you to the bed Agent.”  

“Boss, you’ve been holding out on me!  Tying me to the bed when we haven’t even kissed, how awful of you!”  Clint smirked when he caught sight of Phil’s eyes widening for a moment before he hid behind his agent mask again.  

“I have a solution that will work far better Son of Coul.  It will ensure that your Hawk gets proper rest and allows himself to heal.”  Thor stepped forward, holding his hammer.  

Phil was about to protest Thor calling Clint his Hawk, even though it was mostly true (except in the ways he secretly wanted it to be) when he spotted the wary look entering Clint’s eyes.  “No magic Thor.”  Neither of them needed to go through that again.  Or anything close to it.  

“It is a physical kind of magic.  Nothing like the Warrior Hawk has been exposed to.”  Thor stepped forward, and very slowly, put his hammer down on Clint’s stomach.  He stepped back and gave a large grin.  “There!”  

Clint blinked down at the hammer now resting on top of the blankets.  It wasn’t heavy, he could not feel the weight per se, but the entire bottom half of his body was now unable to move.  Even his arms felt heavy.  “What the fuck...?”  

Thor smiled and sat down in the chair beside Clint.  “Do not worry!  I will keep you company!  My hammer will ensure that you do not leave this building of healing before your body is capable of it!”  

He stared at the hammer and the look of outright shock on Clint’s face.  An undignified snort escaped him and he let his lips quirk into a smile when he got a glare from Clint.  Phil stepped closer and leaned down to whisper in his ear.  “Behave and I’ll get you out of here in a day or two, all right?”  He watched Clint relax back into the pillows and glare at the hammer again.  

“Guess I’m not worthy, huh?”  He grinned up at Phil.  “Since I can’t lift it?”  

“Do not worry Warrior Hawk!  Mjolnir decided for a time that I was not worthy!  I shall tell you the story!”  

Clint rolled his eyes.  “I was there, remember-”

“It was on the eve of my coronation in Asgard.  All of our people had assembled..”

Phil escaped while he could.  Even if he was showing signs of exasperation, Clint was grateful for the distraction.  He did hate medical.    


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So. I know I promised P/C in this. And because P/C is pretty much my favorite OTP of the Avengers fandom (followed closely by S/T and then a very close third of T/B), I had to throw it in there. In this case, they are talking pre-relationship, though by the last chapter, they do have an established one, that I kinda throw in and hint at. Cause. I can't not. I have to. It's THEM. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. Natasha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha's turn with the hammer...

Natasha

 

She was not worthy.  She never would be.  She had no intention of ever trying to pick up the hammer.  It was entertaining to watch Clint be pinned to a bed for three days by it.  His whining was quickly growing old though.  

“Come on Nat, please!”  

“No.” 

“Please?”

“Niet.” 

“Nat!” 

“Nein.”  

“Why not?”

“Iie.”  

“Come on!  I’m just asking you to-”

“Non.”  

“Tasha, please, I’m dying here!”

“Нет.”

“I need to pee!”  

“Nej.”

“Was that Portuguese or Danish?”  

Natasha paused and looked at Clint.  “Danish.”  

“Since when do you speak Danish?!”  Clint asked, indignant that she had never told him she spoke that language.  It certainly would have been handy on the op he and Phil had been on a few months ago.  They had known barely enough to get by on their own.  

“I don’t.”  Her lips curled in a small grin.  She glanced down at her phone.  She might have had Google Translate up, looking at all of the different ways she could tell Clint no.  She knew six languages fluently, and another four well enough to get by, but even she would have run out of answers eventually.  

Clint pouted.  “Tash.  At least try.  Aren’t you curious?”  

She glared at him.  “Nee.”  

“Don’t make me sing the song Nat.”  

Her eyes narrowed again.  “You wouldn’t dare.”  

“I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves.  I know a song-”

“If I try will you shut up?”  

“Yes, for fuck’s sake!”  Clint growled, flopping back against the pillows.  

Natasha curled her fingers around the handle.  A jolt of electricity went through her.  She flexed her muscles and pretended to try and lift it.  Clint grinned and seemed to relax pretty thoroughly.  “Looks like we’re unworthy together.”  

The truth was that she had felt the hammer shift.  But she would tell no one that.  Not even Thor.  It was just her imagination anyway.  She wasn’t worthy.  She never would be.

 

**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER WAS MY FAVORITE TO WRITE. 
> 
> That's really all I have to say about it.
> 
> Mostly because I love the snark between her and Clint and I think that they have one of the best snarky relationships in the movie, because the back-and-forth is so damn well established. It's just perfect. GUH. 
> 
> That and Clint being a whiny bastard when he is sick/injured is pretty much headcanon for everyone in this fandom, so I think no one is really surprised that I threw that in. 
> 
> Just sayin'! 
> 
> Thank you all for staying with this so far! I love all of your comments and any concrit you wanna toss my way! 
> 
> I'm just finishing up writing the ending, so expect the continued chapter-a-day to continue on. 
> 
> There may also be a bonus chapter. Cause...that's how I roll.


	4. Bruce Banner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce decides that one attempt, even as the other guy, is more than enough, and he shouldn't try to tempt fate.

Bruce Banner

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He looked at the hammer as he passed his scanner over it again.  “Picking up the readings all right there Tony?”  

“Yup!  Just keep waving your magic wand!”  

He rolled his eyes and studied the carvings on the side.  Thor had told them what they read.  ‘Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.’ He passed the scanner over it again.  

He could feel the hulk’s dislike of the hammer roiling inside of him.  He had been unable to pick it up.  That had made him angrier.  

“Do you think anger is quantifiable?  In a way that can be calculated?”  Bruce asked out loud, not really caring if Tony answered.  

Tony stood up from the computer he was leaning over and looked at Bruce.  “If you broke it down to variable, yes.  Heartrate, pulse, shit like that.  Why?”  

Bruce looked at the hammer again.  “Because the angrier the other guy gets, the stronger and more powerful he gets.  If there was a certain point where he could get angry enough and strong enough to pick up the hammer, wield it, I wonder if we could calculate that into the physical strength needed to pick up the hammer.”  

He stared at Bruce before his lips curled into a much-wider grin.  “Holy fuck, you’re brilliant!”  

He levelled a look at Tony.  “We are not going to test this.  This is all hypothetical.”  

“Of course it is.”  Tony shrugged.  “Besides.  It’s magic.  Science never works in conjunction with magic.  Ever.”  

That had been far too easy. Tony never gave up that easy. But then, he never liked dealing with magic. It fucked with most preconceived notions of science.  He relaxed and went back to waving the wand scanner over the hammer.  “Here, I’m waving my magic wand, what do the readings say?”  But the other guy was nothing if not stubborn.  Maybe magic gave way to brute force at some point.

 

 

 

 

****

****

************

****

 

****

********

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the direct result of an internet debate I had with a bunch of idiots. And the argument Bruce gives Tony is exactly the one I gave them. 
> 
> In theory, the angrier the Hulk gets, the stronger he gets. At some point, he should be able to pick up the hammer. Now if you could quantify that anger...you could in theory be able to figure out the amount of force/effort it takes to pick the hammer up. 
> 
> ....and I'm done bastardizing science now. LOL.


	5. Phil "Agent" Coulson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jump back in time a bit here to the beginning of the movie Thor. :)

  
Phil Coulson

  
  
  


They had no idea what it was. He had seen his fair share of strange items working for shield. But other than the obvious answer - a hammer, they had no idea what it was. 

It was giving off electro-static readings that were only present in the most violent of thunderstorms. Any attempt to properly excavate it had proved futile. 

Phil could hear the Sword in the Stone jokes the second they realized not even a crane could pick it up. No one had dared to touch it though. 

"I will give it a try." Clint said, his voice cutting into Phil's thoughts. It was rather uncanny, how he could do that. 

"You are not touching the hammer Barton." Phil said. 

"Then why don't you do it sir?" Clint goaded.

Phil resisted urge to roll his eyes. Barton was no better than a child at the best of times. "I am not going to attempt to pick up an unidentified object that fell from the sky." 

"Why not? All those dumbass townies did and none of them died." Clint shot back. 

His phone beeped, distracting him from the argument. He flipped it open and read through the email. "Barton, I need every man who is off duty assembled at the hammer in five minutes."

Clint blinked. "Uh. Sure. Why?" 

"The translators have finally gotten back to us on that inscription." Phil said, his heart pounding. 

Clint’s eyes lit up and he grinned.  “Oh?  What does it say?”  

Phil read the text, verbatim from his phone.  “They’re telling me that it isn’t precise, but the phrasing looks to be ‘Whoever holds this hammer, if they are worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.’”  

“Thor?  Like, Norse mythology, Thursday-is-named-after-him Thor?”  Clint asked, blinking at Phil in surprise.  He glanced down the tunnel at the hammer and heard the distant rumble of thunder across the desert.  He and Phil shared a long look.  

“I want everyone assembled in five minutes Barton.”  Phil ordered, watching Clint nod and turn down another hallway.  

Barton had everyone assembled in two minutes.  It had given him more than enough time to inform the scientists of what would happen, what they would be looking for, and, in the briefest of moments, stop in front of the hammer and give a small tug on the handle.  

It had felt glued in place, and a jolt of electricity had shot through him at the touch.  It was strange, but he felt the sensation of being accepted by it.  Not worthy, that was clear by the lack of movement.  But accepted.  Whatever that meant.  

He tugged his hand away before one of the agents came around the corner.  The hum of electricity was still in his veins.  The feeling of acceptance still there.  Still present.  Phil chose to ignore it as he started lining his agents up to take turns at picking the hammer up.  

Let’s see if anyone he had brought with him would be worthy.  

 

 

 

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you may have noticed that the number of chapters jumped up from 6 to 8. That is for two reasons. 
> 
> 1\. I can never manage to write anything short. Ever. The fact that these "drabbles" gets progressively longer should tell you that.   
> 2\. The +1 chapter ended up much longer than I thought it would, so I needed to split it into two pieces.   
> 3\. ....I couldn't leave it there, so I had to add a bonus chapter. It's all written, and complete and finished and YAY. 
> 
> Right. Well. Enjoy my take on Phil's attempt at picking up the hammer and let me know what you think!


	6. +1 Steve Rogers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Steve Rogers is the one. The plus one. Because that's who he is.

Steve Rogers

 

 

 

 

  
He had been drawing in the lab for the past few months. It relaxed him more than the private studio Tony had added to his floor. That and he was able to watch Tony work. Tony and Bruce. Of course. 

He glanced down at his sketch of Tony bent over one of his computers, a look of intense concentration on his face. Steve stifled the urge to groan and snapped the sketchbook shut. 

"If you're getting bored over there Capsicle, would you go find Thor and tell him to bring his thunderous ass down here?" Tony flicked an image over to Bruce's computer. "Look at the latest scan." 

Steve frowned. Thor come to the lab? Last time he had tried to invade Tony's private lab space, he had been all bit chased out by DUM-E and Butterfingers. "Why do you need Thor to come down to the lab?" 

Tony didn't bother looking up from his computer. "Need him to move his hammer." He waved vaguely in the direction of the lab table it sat on. "Onto that scale. We want to try weighing it." 

It was on the tip of his tongue to ask why the hell Tony or Bruce didn't move it, but Steve was not about to interrupt the stream of science jargon going from one man to the other. He stood up and walked over to the table. Steve looked at the hammer. Maybe it was heavier than it looked and Tony or Bruce couldn't lift it. 

Steve wrapped his hand around the handle, getting a good grip before he tugged. It came up easily, almost weightless. He stared at the hammer, warmth emanating from it. Huh. Not heavy at all. He put it down on the scale for the two scientists and left them to their experiments.  

“Hey Cap, did you go get Thor yet?”  Tony asked, glancing over to where Steve had been sitting last.  There was no sign of him.  He frowned and looked around.  The hammer was on the scale.  “Bruce, did I miss Thor coming in?  I know I’ve had more coffee than that.  Not to mention he shouts ‘DEAR FRIENDS’ everytime he walks into a room with more than two of us.”

Bruce shrugged, tugging his goggles off of his face.  “No, I haven’t seen or heard Thor since you asked Steve to go get him.  Why?”  

Tony pointed to the hammer now sitting calmly on the scale.  He waited for Bruce to notice. 

“How the fuck-”

“I have no idea.”  

“We need to-”

“Already on it.  Jarvis, please pull up the video feed from the last hour, display on the main screen.”  Tony turned to the screen and studied it.  “Get me to when Cap leaves the room.”  

Bruce stared at the screen, eyes wide as Steve walked up to the hammer, studied it for a moment and picked it up.  Easily.  Then he put it down on the scale and left.  He turned to Tony, blinking in surprise at the awe and happiness of on his face.  

“Of course he’d be worthy.  Don’t know why I didn’t think of that.  Stupid not to think so.”  Tony bit his lip to keep from grinning.  Cap was able to pick up Thor’s hammer.  He cleared his throat and looked at Bruce.  “Well, I guess this means there are two people who can help us move the hammer for our experiments.  Want to go get-” 

“Sir?  Doctor Doom has mounted an attack on fifth avenue.  There is an immediate call to assemble for all Avengers.”  

Tony sighed.  “Of course there is Jarvis.”  He grinned at Bruce.  “Come on.  Let’s get going.  I’m sure Cap will need a ride.”  

“Agents Barton and Romanov are waiting for Doctor Banner on the landing pad in the Quinjet sir.”  

Bruce grinned at Tony.  “That’s my cue.  And yours to go get suited up.”  He glanced at the scale and noticed that the hammer had disappeared.  Thor had called it back to his side.  

 

 

 

 

 

******  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes, I followed the canon, and Steve Rogers is the other one who can pick up the hammer! THERE IS MORE TO COME, I PROMISE! There's a whole second half to this chapter, and then a bonus chapter.


	7. Steve Rogers Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second part of the Steve Rogers story!

  
  
  
  
The fighting was thick and furious.  Steve hurled his shield at another Doombot and watched as it crumpled in front of him.  “Iron Man!  We need backup on the ground!  The Hulk is two blocks away and there’s more of them coming!”  He barks out the order, hearing the roar overhead as Iron Man comes closer.     
  
“Don’t worry Cap, Iron Man is here to save all of your collective asses!”  Tony barked as he waded through the sea of Doombots.  “Jarvis, hack into the signal feeding them orders.  Let’s disable them the old fashioned way.”     
  
“Of course sir.”     
  
While Jarvis worked on getting that signal jammed, Tony shifted and made sure that his two teammates didn’t get sliced to pieces by killer robots.  “Seriously.  What the fuck Doom.  You can’t do anything better than killer robots?  Clunky ones that are pieces of shit and break apart at the slightest provocation?  This is shit.” He grumbled, destroying another two.     
  
“Sir, I have taken over their communication network.  Powering down all Doombots now.”     
  
Tony pumped his fist in the air.  “Fuck yes!”  The machines in front of them slumped and then fell to the ground.  He walked over to Steve.  “Situation handled Captain.  Technology wins again!”     
  
Steve grinned at Tony and shook his head.  “Good job Iron Man.  Everyone, let’s regroup.  Thor, can you find Hulk and get him over here?”     
  
“Sounds good, I know this great place, a few blocks from here.  It isn’t shawarma, but it’s still really good.  You guys will love it.  I’m taking us all out for celebratory lunch!”  Tony flipped his helmet back and grinned at Steve again.     
  
Thor landed in the middle of their circle, Mjolnir hanging easily from his hand.  “That was a mighty battle indeed!  But we have vanquished our metallic foes!  Now we must feast!”     
  
Natasha glanced at Steve and Tony, who were grinning stupidly at each other.  She looked to Clint.  “They’re still oblivious.”     
  
“Yeah.  Even Tony’s obvious now.”  Clint smiled at her and glanced over his shoulder as a black SUV pulled up, with Agent Coulson climbing out of the drivers seat.  His eyes lit up and he peeled off from the pack and made his way over.     
  
“Yeah big guy, there will be plenty of feasting and partying tonight, that I promise you!”  Tony said, turning to look at him.     
  
“Most excellent!”  Thor boomed, placing Mjolnir on top of a piece of debris.  “Son of Coul!  You must join us for our celebrations this evening!”  He made his way over to where the son of Coul was standing.     
  
Steve looked over his team and could not help but smile again.  They certainly weren’t the Howling Commandos, but they were a team all the same.  They were his team.     
  
“You’ll pay for destroying my Doombots Stark!”  A shrill voice cut through the air, silencing all of the Avengers.      
  
Steve had only a split second to recognize the red dot on Tony’s forehead.  He looked at Doctor Doom.  Too far away for him to reach with his shield.  He took two steps, grabbing Thor’s hammer halfway through the first step before he hurled it as hard as he could at Doctor Doom.  A sonic blast from the hammer knocked them all off of their feet and to the ground.  He glanced over at Tony in a panic.     
  
“Tony!”  He rushed over, his eyes scanning over his body, his hands checking every inch of him he could reach to make sure he was all right.  The roaring in his ears died a fraction and he was able to relax.  Tony hadn’t been hurt.  He was okay.     
  
“Not that I don’t appreciate the show of badassery that involves you showing off your ability to use the hammer Cap, but would you mind telling us why you knocked us all on our collective asses?”  Not to mention all of his sensors on the suit were scrambled.  He frowned, wondering exactly what Steve had done.     
  
“The Captain saved your life friend-Stark.”  Thor said, calling Mjolnir back to his hand, surveying the damage. "You were seconds away from being shot and-"    
  
"Were being a class A idiot! What were you thinking, taking your helmet off before we had cleared the area?" Steve growled, glaring at Tony, his hand still tingling from where it had touched the hammer. His heart was still pounding in panic. What if Tony had been hurt? What if the hammer hadn't been laying there?    
  
Tony scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I was fine, there is no need to get your panties in a twist Capsicle." He rubbed the back of his head.    
  
Steve took a slow and carefully measured deep breath. Before he strangled Tony. "You would have been shot in the head! How does that constitute as being 'fine'?" He stepped in front of Tony and crossed his arms, glaring at him.    
  
He shrugged. "On the off chance that Doom-baby was able to make a gun that shot correctly straight and could hit a small target? I would say the odds were still in my favour." Tony let his lips curl in a slow smirk as he leaned closer to Steve. "You can't bare that I am right, can you?"    
  
Something snapped. Whether it was his self-control, or the discipline that kept him from hitting Tony over every smart-ass remark, Steve wasn't sure. He grabbed Tony by the shoulders and yanked him down until he could smash their lips together. He felt Tony protest, mumble against his lips before going quiet. He pulled away a few moments later, not looking at Tony.    
  
"I do not care if you are right or wrong. I want you to stop acting like you almost getting shot is...is nothing!" Steve tugged the cowl back and ran his fingers through his hair. He fought down the urge to swear. It would accomplish nothing. He turned his back on Tony and walked towards Thor.    
  
"Friend-Steve! When did you discover that you were able to wield Mjolnir?"  Thor asked, twirling the hammer in his hand, almost absent-mindedly.  “She tells me this is not the first time you have touched her.”     
  
Steve blinked in confusion.  “Uh.  Earlier today.  I was in the lab.  Tony and Bruce wanted to weigh it...er...her.”  It felt odd, thinking of the hammer as a he or she, but that was how Thor had referred to it.     
  
“I had thought that anyone could pick up your hammer, but didn’t out of deference to you.”  Steve said, still confused as to why Thor was grinning at him in that way.     
  
Thor shook his head and crossed his arms, tightening his grip on Mjolnir.  “Indeed not!  Her inscription from my father reads as such.  ‘Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.’  Clearly you proved your worthiness to her, for she helped save Tony Stark from death.”     
  
“Indeed!”  He paused and looked at all of the Avengers.  “She finds all of you worthy in one way or another!  She has told me she is very pleased with the warrior companions that I have made here!”     
  
They all had to digest that for a moment, sharing curious looks.  Phil spoke up first.  “You speak of Mjolnir as though she is able to think for herself.  I thought your father had placed the spell on the hammer.”     
  
“You are correct Son of Coul!  However, Mjolnir is fashioned from the heart of a star.  He granted her consciousness with his spell.  She has the power to judge who is worthy and who is not.”  Thor smiled at the son of Coul and bowed his head.  “You are aware, that for a time she found myself unworthy of wielding her.”     
  
Phil stepped forward, noticing that Stark had once again flipped his mask forward to cover his face.  “I am.  So she is able to speak to you?”  His curiosity got the better of him and he looked at the hammer again.     
  
Thor paused to consider this, glancing down at Mjolnir.  “She has spoken with each of you.  However, perhaps you have yet to understand the language which she speaks.  When you touched her, Son of Coul, did you feel something?”     
  
He can feel Clint’s surprised look, even though he cannot see it.  Phil nodded.  “I did.”     
  
“Then she has spoken to you and approves of you.  It was partly her influence that allowed you to survive being stabbed by...”  He trailed off for a moment, his eyes sad.  “A warrior such as yourself has many good deeds left to do on Midgard Son of Coul.  She knows that she did the right thing.”  He nodded and looked at the others.     
  
“You have each touched her.  She knows and understands you.  Better than perhaps you know yourselves.”  Thor smiled fondly down at Mjolnir.     
  
Clint was the next to speak up.  “So, she judges us?  On what criteria?  Cause, I knew I was gonna fail ahead of time.  I could have spared her the trouble.”     
  
Thor frowned at Clint.  “What makes you think she did not find you worthy Clint Barton?”  Mjolnir spoke to him, her voice quicksilver in his mind.  He waited for the archer to respond before he explained what she had told him.     
  
He shrugged.  “She sat on my stomach for the bigger part of three days.  I didn’t feel anything special.”  Clint glanced over at Phil, his heart fluttering painfully in his chest.  If it hadn’t been for Mjolnir’s influence, Phil might not have survived Loki’s attack.     
  
“Your wounds are gone.”  Thor said, looking at Clint and raising an eyebrow.  “Does that truly count as nothing?”     
  
Clint started to respond, then froze.  He had been so distracted, being pinned by the hammer for three days, he had almost forgotten he was injured.  The wounds had not bothered him since, though they had destroyed a good amount of muscle.  But he had been able to return to the range almost immediately and damnit, why hadn’t he fucking noticed this before?     
  
“Unlike the Son of Coul, and others-”  Thor waved his hand to indicate the Black Widow and the Hulk, who had decided to join them.  “You have found your soul-bonded weapon.  Mjolnir could not bond with you as a weapon.  So she gave you what gift she could.”     
  
His mouth snapped shut, looking away.  “My soul bonded weapon?”  Clint looked down at the bow in his hands.  He had always thought that the bow felt like an extension of himself.  That it was a part of him.  His grip tightened on it.     
  
“Yes.  Your bow is yours.  An extension of your soul in a physical form.”  Thor smiled.  “Mjolnir is mine.”  He looked to the others standing around.  “The Captain’s is his shield.”     
  
Steve’s eyes widened and he looked down at the shield in his hands.  An extension of his soul in physical form.  “What about the others?  Phil, Natasha and Tony?”  He glanced at them and smiled.  His fingers ran lovingly over the edge of his shield.     
  
“They must discover their weapons for themselves.  When they do, they will know.  Just as you know with your shield Captain.”  Thor said, inclining his head to the other three.  “However, friend-Stark will never find his.”     
  
“What?”  Steve’s voice was nearly a growl and he reeled in the angry reaction.  “Why on earth not?  He is as worthy as any of us.”     
  
“I’m out of here kiddies.  Enjoy your bonding over your soul-weapons and shit.”  Tony shot into the sky, ignoring the reactions from any of them.  “Jarvis, shut down all incoming communications from the Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D.”  He ordered.     
  
“Done sir.”     
  
He exhaled and shot higher into the sky.  Tony fought the urge to scream.  Bad enough that he was already not worthy of the hammer the way all of his team was, but now to find out they all had mystical bonds with weapons that he could never have?  It didn’t matter.  He had made his.  He didn’t need some weapon to bond with him.     
  
“Tony!”  Steve watched as Iron Man blasted into the sky and turned to glare at Thor.  “What do you mean he has no soul-bonded weapon like the rest of us?”     
  
“Tony Stark does not possess the heart of a warrior that a weapon would recognize.”  Thor explained, looking down at Mjolnir again.   
  
Steve felt as though he had had been submerged in the ice again.  He narrowed his eyes at Thor.  “Iron Man has fought alongside you and I in countless battles Thor Odinson.  He has sacrificed himself for our well-being more than once.  His heart is not.  In.  Question.”  He snarled the last few words, standing in front of Thor, his arms crossed, cold anger surging through him.     
  
Thor held up his hand to Steve.  “You misunderstand my meaning Friend-Steve.”  He paused, attempting to gather the correct words to make himself understood in the Midgardian language.  “Anthony Stark does not have the heart of a warrior.  Unlike, you, myself, Son of Coul, Clint Barton and Natasha Romanov, Anthony Stark was not taught to fight.  If I understand his history, he lived a life of privilege, never fighting in battles.  He has the heart of a protector and nurturer.  He has taken on the mantle of a warrior because it is the only way he sees to protect and keep those he cares of safe.”  He looked at each of them, ending at Steve, watching as his comprehension dawned.     
  
“I didn’t...”  Steve started and rubbed his hand over his face.     
  
“Anthony Stark will never have a soul-bonded weapon.  However, he can mate a warrior.  He would then bond to their choice of weapon.”  Thor explained and looked to the others assembled.  “Mjolnir approves greatly of him.  Few nurturers and even fewer protectors would take up the guise of a warrior to keep those they care of safe.  It is a mark of greatness.  He will be toasted in the halls of Valhalla for many centuries when he departs Midgard.”     
  
Steve swallowed hard.  Tony had flown away, and he already knew what he had been thinking.  That he wasn’t good enough, wasn’t as good as the rest of the team.  Was only as good as he could make the suit.  “Thor, Tony thinks that you don’t think he is good enough to fight beside you.”     
  
Thor laughed.  “What would make him think that?  Has he not overheard this entire conversation through the devices Son of Coul makes us wear for communication?”     
  
He relaxed a fraction and touched the communicator in his ear.  Steve smiled.  Thor was right.  Tony would have heard the entire conversation and realized what Thor really meant.  “Iron Man, copy that?  Mind getting your ass back here now?”  He waited a few seconds for a response and frowned when there was none.  “Iron Man, do you copy?”  Still no response.  “Tony?”  Nothing.     
  
He clapped Steve on the back.  “Worry not!  I am sure he has preceded us to the tower to work on our victory feast he spoke of!  Let us depart!”     
  
Steve looked at Coulson and shook his head.  Tony had flown in the exact opposite direction of the tower.  There was no way he had doubled back without one of them noticing something.  They shared a long look.  Coulson would find Tony.  No matter where he was hiding.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG SO MANY TONY FEELS!!!!!
> 
> *flails* This is why there had to be a bonus chapter. I couldn't leave it like that. I couldn't do it. I mean Steve and Tony and just. GUH. They need happy. Really bad. Really really bad. 
> 
> Hence the bonus. 
> 
> I know I put this chapter up early, but I am not sure I will do the same with the chapter tomorrow. We will see what happens. :) 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and please don't hesitate to leave a comment!


	8. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because I couldn't leave Steve and Tony pissed at each other....so they kiss and make up!

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He ran all the way to Malibu.  It was safer there than in New York.  He needed to get his head back on straight.  Of course someone from SHIELD would show up in a day or two to drag his ass back, but in the meantime, he needed to get this shit figured out.  

 

Thing number one to figure out.  Why the fuck had Steve Rogers kissed him?  

Thing number two to figure out.  Why, out of all possible people to kiss on the fucking planet, had Steve Rogers, who moonlighted as a superhero, who didn’t even fucking like him most of the time, fucking kissed him?

Tony resisted the urge to bang his head against his worktable.  He turned the welder off that he was attempting to use and rested it on the tabletop.  No sense in blowing something up when he might need to use this area for further thinking purposes.  The table, after all was the perfect height.  Just low enough for Steve to bend him over it, move between his legs and-

He was not thinking about that.  He was done thinking about that.  Those things had had no place in his thoughts to begin with.  Thoughts that were better left alone.  Tony scrubbed his face with his hands and groaned.  It had been two days.  He knew, knew that SHIELD knew where he had probably gone to.  If they had really needed him, Jarvis would have let him know.  

“Jarvis?”  

“At your service sir.”  

Jarvis’ droll voice came with a note of disappointment.  Tony chose to ignore it.  “Maintain a close eye on the perimeter.  I’m expecting visitors any time now, since I am sure that SHIELD will want me back to babysit the others.”  

“Of course sir.”  

Tony went back to staring at the blueprint in front of him, wondering where he was supposed to start.  With any of this.  His mind drifted back to Steve, to the desperate look in his eyes before he had kissed him, devouring his lips, or at least attempting to.  It hadn’t been pretty and there had been no finesse, but Steve had made up for that with enthusiasm.  

“Sir?”  

He looked up in annoyance.  He wasn’t actually doing anything, but he could pretend to be observed.  “No one comes in and out.”  

“Captain Rogers is not accepting that answer sir.  I have let him in the front door and he is on his way down here.”  

He glowered at the ceiling.  “Conspiring against me Jarvis?”  

“It has been fifty-seven hours since you last slept sir.  You require assistance.”  Jarvis said, his voice coming out hesitant.  

Tony flinched when he heard banging against the glass door to his lab.  It might be bullet-proof glass, but it was not super-soldier proof.  

“If Captain Rogers keeps up his present application of force, the window will shatter in approximately fifteen seconds.”  

He counted down ten seconds in his head, hearing the banging get louder.  “Go ahead and open the door Jarvis.”  Tony said, closing his eyes for a moment to steel him for the conversation that was about to happen.  

Steve nearly stumbled into the room when the glass door moved to the side.  He looked up at the ceiling.  “Thank you Jarvis.”  

“You are most welcome Captain Rogers.”  

He put down the wrench that he had clenched in his hand.  It was shaking.  It was embarrassing.  Tony turned to the projection schematic again and pretended to be making changes to it.  He could look like he was working.  He could.  Maybe Steve would go away without saying anything.  

“Tony?”  

Oh god.  Steve’s voice was only a few feet behind him.  He was much closer than was healthy for Tony’s imagination.  Especially with the worktable in front of him and it being the perfect height for Steve to pin him and he needed to stop right there.  No more thoughts like that.  None.  

“Tony?  At least look at me.”  Steve rested his hand on Tony’s shoulder and felt him tense up, frowning at him.  “Tony.  Please?”  

He could imagine the look on Steve’s face.  That earnest pleading look that Steve used far too often.  Tony threw the schematic he was working on away and turned to face Steve.  He had to look up.  His breath caught.  Steve was so close.  Only another step and he would be pinned to the table, all of Steve’s body surrounding him.  “Yes Captain Earnest?  What can I do for you today?  I’m a little busy.”  

Steve frowned.  Tony had dark bags under his eyes, darker than usual.  His skin was pale and his lips were chapped.  Not to mention, his beard was not trimmed to its usual perfect standards.  He reached out and touched Tony’s cheek.  “You look awful.  When was the last time you slept?  Or ate something that was not one of those green shakes you like?”  

He flinched away from the touch on his cheek.  It was too gentle and soft and it would be too damn easy to lean into it.  “No idea.  I’ve been working.  I’ll be back in New York soon.  I just needed a change of scenery for a couple of days.”  Tony smoothed some of his hair back and moved to the other side of the table.  Yes.  Good idea.  Distance between him and Captain Eager.  

“A change of scenery that has nothing to do with Thor’s whole explanation of Mjolnir and our soul-bonded weapons?”  Steve asked, raising an eyebrow.  

Tony waved his hand.  “Oh I don’t give a shit about any of that.  So I don’t have a bonded soul-weapon.  I made my own weapon and I’m making it better every chance I get.”  He grinned at Steve.  “That’s better than any weapon currently on the market.”  

“Jarvis?”  

“Yes Captain Rogers?”  

“Can you please replay what Thor said about Tony?”  Steve narrowed his eyes at Tony.  “You are going to listen.  Or I am going to sit on you and make you listen.”  

There was no world where he could say that he wouldn’t mind Steve sitting on him.  Or pinning him down.  Or walking around him with a lot less clothing.  Tony rolled his eyes.  The quickest way to get Steve out of here would be to listen to him and let him get his lecture over with.  Then he could get back to work.  

“Of course Captain Rogers.”  

Tony listened as Jarvis accessed the file, watching it be pulled up on one of his screens.  Steve’s voice immediately filled the lab.  

“Iron Man has fought alongside you and I in countless battles Thor Odinson.  He has sacrificed himself for our well-being more than once.  His heart is not.  In.  Question.”

Tony glanced over at Steve and watched him blush.  He grinned.  Steve sounded pissed.  Beyond pissed actually.  All on his behalf too.  How sweet.  

“You misunderstand my meaning Friend-Steve.”

He snorted.  Friend-Steve.  Only Thor.  

“Anthony Stark does not have the heart of a warrior.  Unlike, you, myself, Son of Coul, Clint Barton and Natasha Romanov, Anthony Stark was not taught to fight.  If I understand his history, he lived a life of privilege, never fighting in battles.  He has the heart of a protector and nurturer.  He has taken on the mantle of a warrior because it is the only way he sees to protect and keep those he cares of safe.”

Tony scoffed and shook his head.  Protector and nurturer?  Clearly Thor knew nothing of his past.  Merchant of Death.  That was a nickname that suited him.  “Is there anything else?”  He watched Steve nod and waited for whatever else Thor had said.  

“Anthony Stark will never have a soul-bonded weapon.  However, he can mate a warrior.  He would then bond to their choice of weapon.”  There was a pause.  “Mjolnir approves greatly of him.  Few nurturers and even fewer protectors would take up the guise of a warrior to keep those they care of safe.  It is a mark of greatness.  He will be toasted in the halls of Valhalla for many centuries when he departs Midgard.”  

“Thank you Jarvis.”  

“My pleasure Captain Rogers.”  

He turned to Steve with a grin.  “So, clearly, I’m far more badass than any of you.  I’m the one who is going to be toasted in the halls of Valhalla for centuries.”  

Steve chuckled and shook his head at Tony, walking around the table.  “That would be the piece you concentrate on.”  

“No, no, I got the rest of it.  I’m some kind of nurturer and protector.  Which is all bullshit and whatnot.  But sure, if that’s what the mystical she-hammer thinks then sure, I’ll go with it.  Thor isn’t exactly a guy I wanna piss off.”  Tony said, frowning as his stomach grumbled loudly.  

“But you are.”  Steve’s voice was small, but he had to make Tony see, understand how right Thor had been.  

Tony blinked.  “Are?  Are what?”  He watched Steve come closer and looked around, trying to find something else to focus on.  

“A protector.”  Steve reached out to touch Tony’s arm.  

“Ha.  That’s a good joke there Cap.”  Tony said, trying to tug his arm away without some other part of him touching Steve.  It was almost impossible considering how close he was standing.  

“Which of the two of us single-handedly grabbed a nuclear missile and flew it into space to stop the Chitauri?”  He didn’t stop there.  “Who has caught Clint almost as many times as the Hulk whenever he jumps off a building?  Who is always the first to come back Natasha and I up on the ground if we get overwhelmed?”  Steve stared Tony down.  He had to understand.  He had to.  

Tony chuckled.  “All right.  So maybe I can agree with protector.  Still.  Nurturer?  What the fuck does that mean?”  His heart was pounding.  Steve was so close to him, and his eyes were so blue and bright and he was trying to convince him, show him that Thor was right.  

Steve’s voice was still soft.  “You opened your home to all of us.  You didn’t have to do that.  You took all of us in.  You gave us a home.  A family.”  

“Aw Cap, I’m gonna cry.”  Tony mocked, ignoring how tight his throat felt and how hard his heart was pounding.  

“You gave us each our personalized floors.  So we would have our own space and did not have to be on top of each other.  You built an archery range for Clint, a firing range for Natasha, a gym with reinforced punching bags for me, a lab for Bruce, a room that looks suspiciously like the one he has on Asgard for Thor, hell, even a large board room for Coulson when you found out he was moving in.”  Steve said, watching Tony squirm in front of him.  

“Yeah, well...”  Tony bit his lip and looked to the side.  “If I hadn’t built them, you all wouldn’t have stayed.”  Fuck, he hadn’t meant to say that.  Now it looked like he had wanted the Avengers to stay and be a stupidly dysfunctional family with him.  

He smiled and touched Tony’s cheeks again, cupping them in his hands.  “I would have.”  Steve watched as Tony’s wide-eyes looked up at him.  “Someone has to keep you out of trouble and make sure you eat.”  

He had to get out of here.  He had to.  Before he did something unbelievably stupid.  Like kiss Captain America.  Again.  “Yeah, you should know eating is not a priority for me.”  

“We’ll work on that.”  He whispered, leaning in closer to Tony.  No running this time.  

“We’ll-” Tony was cut off by soft lips.  Oh fuck.  They were softer than he remembered.  Not as desperate either.  Like Steve was afraid he was going to run away or push him away.  Well.  Why the fuck not.  If Captain America was going to kiss him, he might as well enjoy it while he could.  

Steve pulled away after a moment and looked at Tony.  “I’m not going anywhere.”  He leaned closer and pressed their foreheads together.  “Do you want me to stay?”  

“You’re too good for me.”  Tony mumbled, wrapping his arms around Steve’s shoulders and pulling him into another kiss.  This one was still slow and measured, but he took control of it, tugging Steve closer until they were pressed together.  

“Well, I think you’re wrong.”  Steve mumbled, his lips dragging across Tony’s cheek, over his stubble and to his ear.  “I’m going to prove you wrong.”  

Tony shivered and pulled Steve closer.  “Does that mean lab sex?”  

Steve groaned.  “Tony...”  

“That’s not a no...”  

 

 

 

 

 

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so ends this story! This was so much fun to write and I don't deny that there may or may not be an additional chapter in the future (we'll see!) but for right now I want to thank all of you for reading and commenting and being wonderful, wonderful people. 
> 
> I loved every single minute of writing this - despite the unexpected angsting that occurred courtesy of Tony Stark. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading it as well!
> 
> Please feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think, I'd love to hear from you!

**Author's Note:**

> Hate it? Love it? Did I have someone remove their shirt twice? Let me know!
> 
> Comments and Criticisms welcome!
> 
> You can find me here: http://aria-lerendeair.tumblr.com/
> 
> You can also watch me write fics like this (and dozens of others) live! Follow me on Livestream for fics, shenanigans and a general all-around awesome time! http://new.livestream.com/accounts/7212317


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